Top 11 (Sort Of) Real Things to Do Visiting Detroit:
1. Evade the Loose T-Rex (and Pray for a Quick Death):
Description: Due to a freak accident involving a time portal and a rogue scientist, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is currently roaming the streets of downtown Detroit. Your primary goal should be survival. Avoid eye contact, run in a zig-zag pattern, and accept that your life insurance policy is probably not going to cover this.
Highlights: Adrenaline rush, potential Darwin Award nomination, the chance to be featured in a viral video.
Lowlights: Extremely high risk of dismemberment, digestion, and/or trampling. Limited Wi-Fi access in the afterlife. Potential for causing mass panic.
Link: (No link available. This is a hypothetical situation. Probably.)
2. Visit the Heidelberg Project (and Question Your Life Choices):
Description: Prepare to have your eyeballs assaulted and your sanity questioned at the Heidelberg Project, Detroit's one-of-a-kind outdoor art environment. Is it a testament to the power of community, or a hoarder's paradise gone wild? Experts are still debating. Just remember to wear closed-toe shoes and maybe bring a hazmat suit.
Highlights: Unforgettable art (of sorts), a true community effort, Instagram photos that will make your followers say, "WTF?"
Lowlights: Potential tetanus exposure, controversial (to say the least), might trigger an existential crisis about the nature of art and the meaning of life.
3. Experience Eastern Market on a Saturday (and Accept Your Fate):
Description: Plunge headfirst into the swirling vortex of humanity that is Eastern Market on a Saturday morning. It's a sensory overload, a parking nightmare, and a masterclass in crowd navigation. Just accept that you will get bumped, jostled, and possibly trampled by a rogue stroller. But hey, at least the produce is fresh-ish!
Highlights: An abundance of fresh (and not-so-fresh) produce, unique local vendors, and people-watching opportunities that rival any zoo.
Lowlights: The crowds, oh god, the crowds. Parking that costs more than your groceries. The lingering feeling that you've just participated in a sociological experiment.
4. Pay Homage at the Spirit of Detroit (and Wonder If He Ever Gets Lonely):
Description: Gaze upon the bronze majesty of the Spirit of Detroit, the city's iconic symbol of…well, we're not entirely sure what he symbolizes, but he looks important. Take a selfie, ponder his existential loneliness, and wonder if he ever gets tired of watching Red Wings fans drunkenly stumble by. (Spoiler alert: He probably does.)
Highlights: An undeniably iconic landmark, a prime photo opportunity, and a chance to contemplate the meaning of civic pride.
Lowlights: Can get swarmed by tourists, pigeons that have no respect for bronze statues, and the creeping realization that you're just another face in the crowd staring at a giant metal dude.
Link: (No specific website, but search "Spirit of Detroit")
5. Tour the Motown Museum (and Unleash Your Inner Temptation):
Description: Step back in time and immerse yourself in the groovy sounds of Motown. Learn about the legends, see the studio where the magic happened, and try to resist the urge to break into an impromptu rendition of "My Girl." (Spoiler alert: You won't resist.)
Highlights: A treasure trove of music history, a chance to connect with Detroit's cultural legacy, and the opportunity to unleash your inner Temptation (or Supreme).
Lowlights: Can get crowded with fellow music lovers, the potential for embarrassing karaoke moments, and the inevitable temptation to buy overpriced souvenirs.
6. Visit Belle Isle (and Forget You're Actually in Detroit):
Description: Escape the urban jungle and venture to Belle Isle, a sprawling island park that offers stunning views of the Detroit skyline (which, let's be honest, is still mostly a jungle). Enjoy the scenery, take a bike ride, and try to ignore the fact that you're still technically within city limits. (And maybe avoid the giant slide unless you have a good health insurance plan.)
Highlights: Breathtaking panoramic views, a wide range of outdoor activities, and a temporary escape from the hustle and bustle of city life.
Lowlights: Can get overrun with crowds, especially on weekends, the lingering feeling that you're just delaying your return to reality, and the potential for giant-slide-related injuries.
Link: https://www.michigan.gov/dnr/places/state-parks/belle-isle
7. Eat a Coney Dog (and Pledge Allegiance to Your Chosen Coney Island):
Description: No trip to Detroit is complete without experiencing the culinary masterpiece that is the Coney dog. But be warned: choosing between Lafayette and American is a decision that will define you for the rest of your life. Choose wisely, and be prepared to defend your choice with unwavering conviction.
Highlights: A truly iconic Detroit food experience, a delicious and affordable meal, and a chance to participate in a long-standing local rivalry.
Lowlights: Can be messy (napkins are your friend), potential for heartburn (Tums are also your friend), and the existential dread of realizing you've based your entire identity on a chili-covered hot dog.
Links:
8. See a Show at the Fox Theatre (and Pretend You're Rich):
Description: Step into a world of gilded opulence and theatrical extravagance at the Fox Theatre. Even if the show is terrible, the sheer beauty of the building will make you feel like you've been transported to another era. Just try not to think about how much you're paying for that tiny cup of wine.
Highlights: Breathtaking architecture that will make your jaw drop, world-class performances that will (hopefully) entertain you, and a chance to feel fancy for a night (even if you're wearing jeans).
Lowlights: Ticket prices that will make your wallet weep, parking fees that will make you question your life choices, and the lingering realization that you're surrounded by people who are probably richer than you.
9. Visit the Detroit Institute of Arts (and Fake Your Way Through Art History):
Description: Wander the hallowed halls of the DIA and surround yourself with masterpieces from around the world. Pretend to understand the symbolism, appreciate the brushstrokes, and nod sagely at all the right moments. (Bonus points if you can name a single artist without Googling it.)
Highlights: A world-class art collection that spans centuries and cultures, a chance to expand your cultural horizons (or at least pretend to), and free admission for Detroit residents (score!).
Lowlights: Can be overwhelming for the art-averse, the potential for art-induced boredom to set in, and the nagging feeling that everyone else in the room is more cultured than you.
Link: https://dia.org/
10.Take a Stroll Through Greektown (and Succumb to the Tourist Traps):
Description: Immerse yourself in the sights, sounds, and smells of Greektown, Detroit's perpetually festive (and slightly cheesy) Greek-themed district. It's touristy, it's loud, and it's probably not actually authentic Greek, but it's still a fun place to grab a gyro, smash some plates, and pretend you're on vacation in Santorini.
Highlights: Delicious Greek food that will satisfy your cravings, a lively atmosphere that will get your blood pumping, and the chance to buy a souvenir that you'll probably regret later.
Lowlights: Can get overcrowded with tourists, the feeling that you're being slightly ripped off, and the potential for flying shards of broken plates to cause minor injuries.
Link: (No central Greektown website, search individual restaurants)
11. Ride the People Mover (and Wonder Where It's Actually Going):
Description: Embark on a thrilling (or, more accurately, a gently swaying) journey aboard the Detroit People Mover, an elevated train that circles the downtown area like a confused hamster on a wheel. Is it a viable form of transportation, or a quirky relic of a bygone era? Ponder the mysteries of the People Mover as you gaze out the window at the ever-changing (but always slightly depressing) Detroit cityscape.
Highlights: A unique and slightly surreal perspective of downtown, a cheap and air-conditioned way to see the sights, and the opportunity to contemplate the meaning of urban planning.
Lowlights: Can be slow and somewhat pointless, the limited route means you'll probably end up back where you started, and the potential for existential dread to set in as you realize you're just going in circles.
