RIP - Detroit Institute of Bagels (2012-2024): A Carb-Loaded Requiem

It is with a heavy heart (and a slightly lighter wallet) that we announce the passing of Detroit Institute of Bagels, a once-vibrant beacon of New York-style "authenticity" that graced Corktown with its presence from 2012 until its untimely demise in 2024. DIB promised to transport us to bagel heaven, one slightly dense, undeniably overpriced carb at a time. Sadly, that journey has come to an end.

DIB, in its heyday, prided itself on its "traditional" bagel-making process, which we now understand involved boiling, baking, and then charging us an arm and a leg. The bagels themselves, while perhaps not revolutionary, were…bagels. Round, chewy, and capable of holding cream cheese. They came in a variety of flavors, from the classic plain to the more adventurous sesame and everything. We'll fondly remember the brief period when we could tell ourselves we were paying for an "experience," the "ambiance," and the smug satisfaction of supporting a "local" business, even if that business was basically a shrine to New York carbs.

The real magic of DIB, we now realize, was its ability to foster a sense of community. It was a place where hipsters, yuppies, and tourists alike could rub elbows, united by their shared love of bagels and their willingness to pay a premium for them. We'll cherish the memories of fighting for a table, navigating the narrow aisles, and overhearing conversations about artisanal coffee and vintage record collections.

Eulogies:

• The Bagels: They were...bagels. Acceptable. Edible. Sufficiently round. We'll miss them. Sort of.

• The Vibe: If you were into that whole "artisanal, locally sourced, vaguely pretentious" thing, you probably miss it already.

• The Proximity to Corktown: Conveniently located near other overpriced coffee shops and trendy boutiques. Now just a vacant space, a monument to what once was.

Regrets:

• The Price: We'll never know if it was really worth dropping a small fortune on glorified bread with cream cheese. But hey, at least it was "authentic."

• The Hype: It was a bagel. We should have been more reasonable.

• The Existential Question: Were we really supporting a local business, or just indulging in a craving for overpriced carbs? We'll take that question to our graves.

Formerly located at: 1236 Michigan Ave, Detroit, MI 48226

May their bagels rest in peace.

Website no longer available.